Life can often feel like a rollercoaster, and when ADHD is part of the equation, it's like riding that rollercoaster blindfolded. Four days ago, my son Theo was born. With his arrival, my sleep has taken a nosedive, my energy is scattered, and my stress levels have naturally soared. This scenario has become a hotbed for some of my "emotional demons" to surface.
And the emotional demon that seems to be confronting me the most is my fear of failure. Reflecting on the past few months, and certainly a large portion of my professional life, it's clear that I have entered a negative cycle of being "pseudo-productive."
For example, I've been investing time into fine-tuning internal workflows, trying out new tech tools, and making my website look cooler. While these tasks might sound important, the reality is that they don't really move the needle toward my objectives. The honest truth is they provide a distraction and an escape and help me avoid doing deep, important, meaningful, and impactful work while maintaining the facade of feeling productive. Why am I doing this?
My tendency to engage in pseudo-productive tasks is partially explained by raw ADHD. And by raw ADHD, I am talking about my raw baseline executive functioning issues. Weak impulse control, emotional dysregulation, leaky (that is being generous) working memory, and trouble following through and staying on task are all raw, documented, and observable baseline brain weaknesses for myself and ADHDers worldwide.
If I lived my entire life with these brain differences and always fully accepted them and those around me fully accepted, validated, and embraced them, then today, they would be a mere annoyance and nothing more.
However, that is not how this story plays out. Due to these differences, I developed an underlying fear of failure, which stems from years of chronic micro-traumas that made me feel inadequate. Research has shown that people with ADHD are especially vulnerable to fear of failure and procrastination, particularly when tasks require extended focus or will be subject to evaluation (Barkley, 2015).
I'm not alone in this dilemma. Many people, particularly those with ADHD, are trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, procrastination, and escapism. According to studies like the one published in the "Journal of Behavioral and Experimental Psychiatry," people with ADHD often use these behaviors to avoid situations that trigger their fears of inadequacy and failure (Solanto, 2019).
And there you have it. That sums it up. The work that moves me toward my vision and my goal will be subject to evaluation from clients, customers, podcast listeners, and everyone and anyone else who comes across my content or services.
And so I partake in pseudo-productive work that I (and I know I am talking for a lot of you out there, as well) am drawn to. It is not random. The tasks I do have no problem initiating stimulate my creativity and, more importantly, keep me safe from the risk of immediate judgment or failure. It is almost like an addiction, where the initiation of a stimulating pseudo-productive task provides the instant relief of escaping, which strengthens the neural pathway, and makes it harder to resist the next time you are contemplating what you ought to do.
What's ironically tragic is that by trying to avoid potential failure, I've entered a self-defeating cycle where I am setting myself up for the very failure I fear. By avoiding tasks that directly contribute to growth, like engagement and outreach, I've been unwittingly undermining the success of my endeavors.
The first step in breaking this cycle is recognizing the need for professional help. Just like you wouldn't try to fix a complex car problem without an expert mechanic, navigating the emotional complexities of ADHD in the professional world and everyday life requires specialized guidance. ADHD-specific therapy can offer strategies to improve focus, emotional regulation, and task management while addressing underlying fears of failure. And that is a bridge I have not fully committed to yet, and it is my next personal step.
But you don't have to wait to start making changes. While searching for the right therapist, you can recruit help and support from friends, family, or mentors. Meditate, explore emotions, read books, and actively arm yourself with knowledge strategies and affirmations that you are okay. There can be deep spiritual and emotional relief to just take a deep breath and remind yourself that everything will be okay.
And isn't it funny how it ultimately ends up being okay nine out of ten times?
Do you know what else this fear of failure messes with? Your wallet. Yep, the same way we dodge impactful tasks to stay in our comfort zones, we do it with money, too. Ever find yourself 'busy' with sorting coupons, tinkering endlessly with budget spreadsheets, or going down a rabbit hole of personal finance books without actually applying what you learned? That's pseudo-productivity in the financial realm and just as sneaky.
The irony? All these activities make us feel like we're getting our financial act together, but they don't necessarily move the needle meaningfully. We're essentially decorating the house while the foundation crumbles. Confronting our financial realities might feel like opening ourselves up to judgment or failure, but continuing to avoid it sets us up for the financial missteps we fear most.
So, the next time you catch yourself deep-diving into a new budgeting app while ignoring that pile of unpaid bills, remember—the only way out is through.